Anxiety...Something I Wish I Could Live Without.

I very rarely share personal things about myself, especially on media sites.  Of course I talk to my husband and close friends, and may share some things on Facebook, but I tend to be pretty private.  I tend to stick to "cute" things my kids are doing.

Around the beginning of March, right after we listed our house, I had my first-ever panic attack.  I had had some weird "anxiety" the previous two weeks, and my mind was tricking me into believing I was having trouble swallowing.  Then, around 10:00 pm one Friday evening, I was reading a School Counseling text book for my masters degree, and I started feeling like I couldn't breath.  I knew I was breathing deeply and I could feel myself breathing, but no matter what I did I couldn't calm down.  It was scary, but I knew what was going on.  Fortunately, Caleb was there and he read to me, prayed for me, and as I laid there with a heating pad on my chest, the anxiety slowly subsided.

The last two months have been filled with healing, trust, despair and some depression, fear, and hope.  My anxiety was steady for a couple of weeks, and then it got better.  It has gotten better nearly every week, and I feel that strength to "control" it most of the time.  I've found that "positive" self-talk has kept me from stepping over that edge into anxiety and panic.  Although I don't view myself as an anxious person, I tend to view things pessimistically and I live in fear of the unknown a lot.  My husband has encouraged me that my body and mind can only be afraid and anxious about the unknown for so long, before our bodies react.  I agree with him, and have found when I turn my mind from these fears, my anxiety does subside.

I've learned to trust over the last couple months that I do need Jesus.  Having left a church about 2 years ago, and only having a little fellowship here and there, mostly from family or a close friend, my heart has yearned for Jesus again.  I have been reading one of those Daily Word books, and  one morning after reading one of the passages, I just felt my heart cry out.  I felt sad and disappointed that it took me getting to this point physically before I reached out for my Savior...but here I am.  Reaching out, wanting more, wanting healing for a disorder that is minor at best, but still uncomfortable and painful at times.

So, I have anxiety...not just, "I'm anxious about taking that test," but physical, somewhat painful, anxiety that forces me to call out to my God and beg for this to be taken away.  It's not awful.  It's not even bad for the most part.  But it's uncomfortable, and don't we hate being uncomfortable?  So, as I wait for healing and freedom from my anxiety, I will press in.  I will find hope in Jesus.  I will lean on Him and ask for peace that passes all understanding.  I will count this minor inconvenience as a blessing and ask for guidance and teaching through it.  My hope and my prayer is that in 6 months, although I anticipate always having some type of anxiety about worries/fear, is that it is no longer debilitating or painful.  But that it teaches me to lean in and seek what I'm really missing.

Update from 2012 and early 2013

If possible, it's been even longer since my last post.  Once again, I've been inspired by some friends and family who blog and journal.  It is such a meaningful way to keep memories and update others.

We now have a 4-year old and a 2-year old!  We've come so far!!  Cailyn is 4 and just started preschool in January.  I was so worried that she would not like school and would be scared to go.  However, she loves it and is so eager for it; she asks most days of the week if its a school day.  She loves her teacher, Mrs. Coslett, and has learned letters, prayers, acts of kindness, and info on dinosaurs!  Cailyn can write her name and is incredibly smart, but is stubborn and sometimes refuses to do things she can.  She is also a terrible sleeper!!  She crawls in bed with mom and dad every night.  Cailyn also loves her brother, Evan!

It's hard to believe that he is now 2!  He is funny and makes us all laugh!  He is not potty-trained yet, because he hasn't shown much interest.  And he is just now starting to talk.  He repeats a lot of words, and can say a couple of 2-word phrases like "thank you" and "excuse me", but not much more than that.  He has also taken to calling himself Bubby.  We called him that when we were referring to him with Cailyn,but now he calls himself that and tells us he is not Evan! Pretty cute!

We've also had a couple job changes in the last year. Caleb no longer works at Numana but for a creative design company in Wichita.  He is the director of business operations.  He is also finishing up his masters at Friends University in Management and Global Leadership. I am now teaching at Andover Central High School.  It's just part time and I really like it.  I feel less stir crazy inside, but I do miss my babies when I'm gone.  I teach Freshman English, regular and honors.  We are also hoping to move soon!  We've been in El Dorado for almost 7 years , and we are excited for a change!

Glad I'm caught up finally!