I very rarely share personal things about myself, especially on media sites. Of course I talk to my husband and close friends, and may share some things on Facebook, but I tend to be pretty private. I tend to stick to "cute" things my kids are doing.
Around the beginning of March, right after we listed our house, I had my first-ever panic attack. I had had some weird "anxiety" the previous two weeks, and my mind was tricking me into believing I was having trouble swallowing. Then, around 10:00 pm one Friday evening, I was reading a School Counseling text book for my masters degree, and I started feeling like I couldn't breath. I knew I was breathing deeply and I could feel myself breathing, but no matter what I did I couldn't calm down. It was scary, but I knew what was going on. Fortunately, Caleb was there and he read to me, prayed for me, and as I laid there with a heating pad on my chest, the anxiety slowly subsided.
The last two months have been filled with healing, trust, despair and some depression, fear, and hope. My anxiety was steady for a couple of weeks, and then it got better. It has gotten better nearly every week, and I feel that strength to "control" it most of the time. I've found that "positive" self-talk has kept me from stepping over that edge into anxiety and panic. Although I don't view myself as an anxious person, I tend to view things pessimistically and I live in fear of the unknown a lot. My husband has encouraged me that my body and mind can only be afraid and anxious about the unknown for so long, before our bodies react. I agree with him, and have found when I turn my mind from these fears, my anxiety does subside.
I've learned to trust over the last couple months that I do need Jesus. Having left a church about 2 years ago, and only having a little fellowship here and there, mostly from family or a close friend, my heart has yearned for Jesus again. I have been reading one of those Daily Word books, and one morning after reading one of the passages, I just felt my heart cry out. I felt sad and disappointed that it took me getting to this point physically before I reached out for my Savior...but here I am. Reaching out, wanting more, wanting healing for a disorder that is minor at best, but still uncomfortable and painful at times.
So, I have anxiety...not just, "I'm anxious about taking that test," but physical, somewhat painful, anxiety that forces me to call out to my God and beg for this to be taken away. It's not awful. It's not even bad for the most part. But it's uncomfortable, and don't we hate being uncomfortable? So, as I wait for healing and freedom from my anxiety, I will press in. I will find hope in Jesus. I will lean on Him and ask for peace that passes all understanding. I will count this minor inconvenience as a blessing and ask for guidance and teaching through it. My hope and my prayer is that in 6 months, although I anticipate always having some type of anxiety about worries/fear, is that it is no longer debilitating or painful. But that it teaches me to lean in and seek what I'm really missing.
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