Anxiety...Something I Wish I Could Live Without.

I very rarely share personal things about myself, especially on media sites.  Of course I talk to my husband and close friends, and may share some things on Facebook, but I tend to be pretty private.  I tend to stick to "cute" things my kids are doing.

Around the beginning of March, right after we listed our house, I had my first-ever panic attack.  I had had some weird "anxiety" the previous two weeks, and my mind was tricking me into believing I was having trouble swallowing.  Then, around 10:00 pm one Friday evening, I was reading a School Counseling text book for my masters degree, and I started feeling like I couldn't breath.  I knew I was breathing deeply and I could feel myself breathing, but no matter what I did I couldn't calm down.  It was scary, but I knew what was going on.  Fortunately, Caleb was there and he read to me, prayed for me, and as I laid there with a heating pad on my chest, the anxiety slowly subsided.

The last two months have been filled with healing, trust, despair and some depression, fear, and hope.  My anxiety was steady for a couple of weeks, and then it got better.  It has gotten better nearly every week, and I feel that strength to "control" it most of the time.  I've found that "positive" self-talk has kept me from stepping over that edge into anxiety and panic.  Although I don't view myself as an anxious person, I tend to view things pessimistically and I live in fear of the unknown a lot.  My husband has encouraged me that my body and mind can only be afraid and anxious about the unknown for so long, before our bodies react.  I agree with him, and have found when I turn my mind from these fears, my anxiety does subside.

I've learned to trust over the last couple months that I do need Jesus.  Having left a church about 2 years ago, and only having a little fellowship here and there, mostly from family or a close friend, my heart has yearned for Jesus again.  I have been reading one of those Daily Word books, and  one morning after reading one of the passages, I just felt my heart cry out.  I felt sad and disappointed that it took me getting to this point physically before I reached out for my Savior...but here I am.  Reaching out, wanting more, wanting healing for a disorder that is minor at best, but still uncomfortable and painful at times.

So, I have anxiety...not just, "I'm anxious about taking that test," but physical, somewhat painful, anxiety that forces me to call out to my God and beg for this to be taken away.  It's not awful.  It's not even bad for the most part.  But it's uncomfortable, and don't we hate being uncomfortable?  So, as I wait for healing and freedom from my anxiety, I will press in.  I will find hope in Jesus.  I will lean on Him and ask for peace that passes all understanding.  I will count this minor inconvenience as a blessing and ask for guidance and teaching through it.  My hope and my prayer is that in 6 months, although I anticipate always having some type of anxiety about worries/fear, is that it is no longer debilitating or painful.  But that it teaches me to lean in and seek what I'm really missing.

Update from 2012 and early 2013

If possible, it's been even longer since my last post.  Once again, I've been inspired by some friends and family who blog and journal.  It is such a meaningful way to keep memories and update others.

We now have a 4-year old and a 2-year old!  We've come so far!!  Cailyn is 4 and just started preschool in January.  I was so worried that she would not like school and would be scared to go.  However, she loves it and is so eager for it; she asks most days of the week if its a school day.  She loves her teacher, Mrs. Coslett, and has learned letters, prayers, acts of kindness, and info on dinosaurs!  Cailyn can write her name and is incredibly smart, but is stubborn and sometimes refuses to do things she can.  She is also a terrible sleeper!!  She crawls in bed with mom and dad every night.  Cailyn also loves her brother, Evan!

It's hard to believe that he is now 2!  He is funny and makes us all laugh!  He is not potty-trained yet, because he hasn't shown much interest.  And he is just now starting to talk.  He repeats a lot of words, and can say a couple of 2-word phrases like "thank you" and "excuse me", but not much more than that.  He has also taken to calling himself Bubby.  We called him that when we were referring to him with Cailyn,but now he calls himself that and tells us he is not Evan! Pretty cute!

We've also had a couple job changes in the last year. Caleb no longer works at Numana but for a creative design company in Wichita.  He is the director of business operations.  He is also finishing up his masters at Friends University in Management and Global Leadership. I am now teaching at Andover Central High School.  It's just part time and I really like it.  I feel less stir crazy inside, but I do miss my babies when I'm gone.  I teach Freshman English, regular and honors.  We are also hoping to move soon!  We've been in El Dorado for almost 7 years , and we are excited for a change!

Glad I'm caught up finally!

Mother Boy

It has been several weeks/months since I blogged. :( I am just so bad at keeping up with this! I wish it were something that I was compulsive about, but sadly its not.

I just finished looking at Evan's 9-month pictures and Cailyn's 2 1/2 year pics, and I decided that I would do a blog on Evan alone. As a second child, I feel that he has already missed out on a lot of stuff that Cailyn received, just because she was first. Now, this could also be because they are 22 months apart. Hard to tell, but impossible to prove, since I can't go back in time!

Anyways, Evan is over 9 months old, and just such a stinker!! We absolutely love our little man. For so many months you wonder what kind of personality your baby will have, and it has been such a blessing to finally see it! He is quieter than Cailyn. He is slow to laugh, but quick to smile. He always wakes up happy, and that is a huge blessing!! He has been crawling for over 2 months, and he stands, and walks along objects. He won't walk as early as Cailyn, but I know he will walk/take steps before he turns 1. He is determined, but isn't as stubborn as his sister. This also will be a huge blessing in the coming months and years. He is snuggly and loves to be held. And, for those of you who know him and those who don't, he is a Mother Boy!!

Now, if you don't know what that means, I will explain. Caleb and I share a favorite show with many of our family members and friends called Arrested Development. In the show, the youngest Bluth child, Buster, is around 33ish. He has spent most of his life going to schools and colleges, but learning nothing. He has always lived with his parents, and he loves his mother!! When he isn't with her, he wants to call her. He is always her greatest defender and thinks she is pretty great. In one episode titled, "Mother Boy," you learn that his mother always signed them up for a mother/son costume contest. She continues to take Buster to this contest until he is in his 30's, and in this episode she decides to take her grandson because all the other moms have younger children. It is very important to win the contest, but when her grandson doesn't work out, Buster steps in to help his mother out in the contest.

We joke that Evan is my little mother boy. He loves his momma, and honestly, I love it. Working the first year Cailyn was alive, she learned to be independent. Although I know she loves me, it always feels good to be needed--even when it is accompanied by crying because you have left the room!

Poor Little Evan

Today we had an ear re-check for Cailyn's earaches and Evan's earaches. Evan had an earache about 2 months ago. When we had it checked last month his ears were still dull, so we had to come back again today. Of course, Cailyn's ears were fine (she's our healthy child!), but poor Evan had 2 full-blown earaches, and one of his ears was bulging. It is so discouraging to go back to the doctor and hear that the medicines haven't worked and your child is even sicker than the last time you visited. I had a feeling that he wasn't feeling better. He hadn't been sleeping well and was pretty cranky over the weekend. I was just waiting for her to tell me that something else was ailing him.

When I look back at the last 7 months with Evan, it is no wonder that he has been so fussy. We started off the first week of life with jaundice, and then we moved on to at least 4 months of colic. Following his colicky stage, he had RSV, then had a staph/herpes infection on his head, and then he had a 10-day cold. After the cold, Evan started teething and then got an earache. Then he had a short bout of allergies, and now we have 2 earaches. I just can't imagine being miserable and sick for nearly 7 months. Yet, he still wakes up and smiles everyday and giggles when we play with him. He still loves playing with toys, and hasn't been behind developmentally. He has done everything at the same time Cailyn did (she was pretty early on most things), and he just started crawling at 7 months.

My prayer for Evan is that he passes this sickly phase soon and continues to develop the way he is supposed to both physically and mentally. My prayer for Caleb and I is that we would continue to have patience for this time, and to enjoy and remember the good stuff going on in Evan's life. For me it is easy to remember the hard times, and even easier to forget the good times. Evan has such a sweet disposition and spirit. He loves to smile and loves seeing others smile. He is such a blessing, but that is so easily clouded by tribulation. I pray that these earaches would finally clear up this time, and we would have a break! Oh, how we need a break!

Cailyn and Evan

This post is an update on Cailyn and Evan, and everything that has to do with their little lives. Enjoy!!

Cailyn-29 months (almost)

Cailyn is a fiery, spunky little girl. She has all the sass and attitude in the world, but then a second later has the sweetest, most sincere heart. Within the last two months she has been potty-trained and been moved to a big-girl bed. Potty training went very well, but that can't be said for sleep training. Now that she has the freedom to get up, she is up repeatedly at night and loves to crawl into bed with mommy and daddy in the middle of the night. If it weren't so sweet snuggling with her, I'd put her back to bed every tim

e!

She also is obsessed with the cartoon character, Diego. She has a little plastic doll that we got from her dear friends, Emma and Abby, and she goes everywhere with this doll. She sleeps with him, takes him on adventures, occasionally bathes with him, and carries him throughout the house all day long. It is cute, but annoying. We've misplaced him a couple times, and that makes her obsessive need to carry him all day worse. I'm told this is just a phase...

Cailyn loves to watch cartoons, but I'm desperately trying to cut back on those. She loves t0 play outside, swim and play in water, and she loves her sandbox. She talks constantly and is almost always understandable (at least to the trained ear). She can count to about 14, has started saying her abc's, and knows all her colors and shapes. You can't always ask her directly what a color is or a

shape, because she loves to shrug her shoulders and say, "I don't know."

Cailyn is such a blessing to me, and I love when I get to spend special time with just her. She makes me laugh all the time, and I wish I could remember everything about the past 2 years. There are times that I wish that when we pass away, that the Lord would bless us with a special look back at our lives. I would love to look back at all of these times and remember what it felt like, and what Cailyn was like at this point. Just a thought...

Evan-6 1/2 months

What can I say about Evan? He is the sweetest little man, and such a momma's boy!! I just adore him and his cute little smile. I love the feeling of being needed by my babies. I spent the first year of Cailyn's life working, and so there were very few times that I felt needed by her. I felt like she was comforted by just about anyone, but not Evan! He wants me! And I love that!

In the past 2 months, I have been reminded of God's goodness. When we found out we were pregnant with a boy, we thought his name was going to be Brennan Madison. We both loved the name Brennan, but it means tear and sorrow. At house church one evening I started thinking about the little baby in my tummy and wondering if I really wanted to name him something that meant "tear and sorrow." Caleb had a dream/vision about 3 months into my pregnancy, where he felt the Lord tell him to name our son Evan. We didn't know we were having a boy, nor did either of us love the name Evan. I thought it was cute, but I have a cousin named that. Caleb had a friend from college that he lived with named Evan. So, we kind of ruled that out. That evening after house church I told Caleb that I was having second thoughts about Brennan, and he admitted he was too. So, we came back to Evan, which means "God is good." And his middle name, Thomas, is to honor Tom Miller for what a blessing and patriarch he is to the Miller and McNary family. I can say now, 2 months of being colic free, Evan is such a sweet reminder of God's goodness. I see Evan's smile and how he lights up when you talk to him, and I know that even through difficulty, God shows us His goodness.

Evan, of course, rolls over and sits up. He is starting to push up on his arms and legs at the same time, and I think that in the next month or so he will start crawling. His first tooth starting coming in on Memorial Day, May 30th. He was a cranky beast for about a day and a half. He has settled back down since then, so I think that his tooth has almost broken through and the pain is manageable. And, Evan is eating carrots, squash, sweet potatoes, and green beans. He likes them all about the same! He also sleeps through the night, about 9-7:15ish, and naps about 5 1/2 hours a day. The napping schedule started around 5 months, and the sleeping consistently through the night started around 6 months.

Anyways, these are my babies!! I love them dearly and am blessed to be home with them every day!

Another Resolution Forgotten

Okay, so last year (2010) I was resolved to start a blog. I did and it lasted for one month. There are absolutely no postings past January. So, I can say that I am part of the statistic that fails at their New Year's resolution within the first 6 weeks. So sad!!

Anyways, it is now nearly 18 months later, and I am encouraged to try again. Many things have changed. Perhaps the biggest change is that I have another baby, Evan, who is now 6 months old. I wish that I would have been blogging these past 18 months to remember and save all the memories and special things Cailyn has done, and to remember what I was thinking during the early months with Evan. Alas, that is not the case and I'm starting from this point.

Today is Tuesday, May 17, 2011. I have been with my husband, Caleb, for 9 years and have been married almost 5 of those years. We have a 28-month-old, Cailyn Joy, and we have a 6-month-old, Evan Thomas. We did finally move to our house on Oil Hill, and it is wonderful. We love our home and plan to be here for several more years. And perhaps the greatest thing that has happened in the past year (other than having another baby!) is that I am no longer a working mom, but a stay-at-home mommy! The desire to stay at home was one that I wasn't sure would ever be fulfilled, but God is good and faithful! He put that desire in my heart, and He was the one to bring it into fruition. Thank you, Jesus!

So, here is to another forgotten resolution...maybe starting it in May, instead of January 1st will make it more successful! Happy reading!

Idiocracy and Nesting...2 things with little in common

So, I'm starting to wonder if anyone reads this...I suppose I shouldn't be too concerned. I did choose to write this as one of my New Year's resolutions, and so far it is the only resolution I have stuck to. So, I guess I will consider this a partial success for 2010's resolutions!

Here are some of my musings/happenings from today:

At lunch today, my co-workers and I decided to discuss the movie Idiocracy. It was surprising that so many of us had seen this movie. What we came to realize was that this generation of students will be running the world soon, and our students are much like the imbeciles that are running America in the movie. One of the funnier comments from the movie (which I'm repeating for humor, and not to offend) is when the main character Luke Wilson is talking to some of the inhabitants of Earth and they refer to his understandable vernacular as "fag talk". The people that live on Earth in the movie talk in slang and are very stupid. And if you know some of our students, you might understand our worries and fears if these students should ever run America.

Today when I got home to Isaac and Alana's, I just felt tension everywhere. I was irritated, for no good reason, and Caleb was irritated too. Alana was tired because she couldn't sleep last night and she is in nesting mode. I don't know that I remember nesting, but if I did, I can assure you it is much easier to do without 3 other people and an extra dog in the house. Needless to say it is very difficult for her to nest.

We did find out today that we have a closing date of Jan. 29. So, it looks like we may be moving after all. We have decided to move back into our old house, and we are going to move our stuff out the day we close. I've convinced Caleb to set up our bedroom in the living room, because we don't have any furniture. I'm thinking we might look like hillbillies, but it's only for a week.

Anyways, it has been a long day, and I am longing for peace. I have just felt unsettled for too long, and I'm surprised by how accustomed I am to space and alone time. It will all be here before I know it, and I know I just have to be patient for it!